Fri Sept 12, 2003
My Victim Impact Statement
"Mummy, is the rapist coming out?" my 7 year old son asked me, a few days ago. And, "Mummy, this is a weapon I made? to protect you if the rapist breaks into our house." Then, "Mummy, we should Kill him?" These are only a few of the many amazing thoughts going through a little child's head within the span of a traumatic, stress induced week. Unedited words spoken by an innocent child who is trying his best to understand why his Mummy wakes up sobbing and can no longer sleep at night. What's happened to the Mummy who used to laugh and play and giggle? Where has she gone to? She's not on a holiday. She's barely alive. All the pain has unfairly been brought back to her. Everything is her responsibility. All the memories are flooding back in, again? I want my life back. I've paid the price too many times over, for the criminal and deviant acts of an unfortunate soul. Why should my son or I be forced to pay with our freedom and very possibility our blood because one more repeat offender and child rapist/murderer has 'done his time' and 'paid his dues' to society?
Where is my $85,000+ per year Gov't housing? Why does the D.O, who raped me at knifepoint, and threatened "I will kill you if you ever tell anyone." have a chef to prepare his meals, paid education, a weight room, access to books and vast information? And yet, I'm not even eligible for welfare because I'm a single Mum who chooses to Home school my son? I'm one more broken heart, protective parent, concerned citizen, and World-weary soul who's been beaten down by a system that caters to the criminal and neglects the 'victim'.
I am the one who's done the 'work' all these years Robert Hewdlar (aka Bob Kneiss) has been 'behind bars'. While he's been living comfortably in minimum security, I have been forced on and off welfare, facing evictions, moving, battling in court, losing count of the sleep I've lost, and attempting to trust a World that let me down!
I am the neglected and forgotten victim who has to prove herself, protect her child, and provide for her family with virtually no outside help or support and only my own crumbling inner resources. I am the violated. I am the victimized. I am the payer of debts. I am the enraged. I am the angry. I am the saddened spirit who once could fly. I am the person living in a Prison!
This songbird has lost her song. My freedom was lost a long time ago. To many, the scars don't show. Oh, but I know. So very well. I am the one that was sent to Hell?
After the convicted rape (he also raped me 6 months prior, after tying me up with heavy rope and choking me?) at 19, I had no coping skills. I drank. I gave my self away to men. I spontaneously broke down crying. I was given no counseling. No one was there to support me (no wonder I was a prime target!) or assist me. I faltered badly. Nowhere to go but down. By the age of 22 I'd been diagnosed with malignant cervical cancer. A cone biopsy was performed at the hospital. The tip of my cervix was cut off. From 19-31 (the span of 12 years) I had 8 abortions with a succession of narcissistic, controlling men who I allowed to manipulate, threaten and intimidate me.
As I write this, I begin to itch with a terrifying intensity. The urge to scratch is almost uncontrollable. All the hidden emotions too long spent buried attempt to come unearthed. Unbearable! It's like there's creatures crawling inside of me. And it seems impossible to get rid of them because I can't even see them. All I can do is feel my insides jump when my son goes to bed. When everything slows down and I am finally forced to admit this rapists sick and sadistic behavior has done more than affect my once whole life. I have become infected. There's not one part of my World where this insidious sickness has not spread to?
Before my life was taken, I was called 'easy going' and 'laid back'. Whatever happened to that 'dreamer'? Why did she have to die? I've been looking for that lost little girl for a long, long time. If you find her, please tell her "I'm sorry. This is not the way it's meant to be. This is not the Life you were meant to lead. How may I help you now?"
All parts of me began to shut down in the years following being forced to perform fellatio at knifepoint, having a blade next to me as I was penetrated, enduring explicit Polaroid's being taken and then later scattered over my sister Carol's apartment foyer. My precious life was threatened. My boundaries went out the window. My instincts died along with my self-esteem. I began leaving my abused body more and more every sorrowful day?
The land of the unconscious was the World I chose to inhabit until I became pregnant at 35 with my son Kaelin. After 34 hours of labour and 3 epidurals later, my baby struggled in the birth canal for 1-? hours (wonder why?) and came out with the umbilical cord wrapped around his little white neck. I almost died. All I wanted to do was to go to sleep and never wake up? Or, so it seemed. Shortly after my son was born, (at approx. 5 mos) I was smacked in the face and kicked in the leg by the 'father'. My son was in the room. He crawled crying to me. I had the abuser leave. For I knew that this was the final attack. If I raised one more abuser, I might as well not be alive. For, what would my life be worth? Not much!
My mother may have taught me how to love (everyone?). Yet, my son inadvertently taught me to love myself. Kaelin is the 'healing salve' that saved my life. His is the healing heart that turned mine inside out. My inner child on the outside. This is when I started to awaken from my long and lengthy slumber. Finally, I had a reason?
Now, I know that I am important. I've learned the hard way how to love myself. I do my utmost to take care of only what and whom I must - Kaelin and I. Imagine a World where everyone was accountable and self-governing? What safe streets our women and children would be able to walk. What a World of wonder to dance and sing within! Is this just a far-fetched fantasy? Or, is it possible? I am a mother on a mission. A woman with a vision. My pain is your hurt. Your mistakes are my suffering. Please look after the many of the masses who feel the same. Make our cities, towns and countries safe again.
With Hope and Happiness,
Katherine A. Marion
P.S. Besides the little girl he raped and killed, how many other lives has Robert Hewdlar destroyed? How many more will there have to be before someone finally listens?
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Copyright 2003 by SuperNaturalWoman.com http://www.SuperNaturalWoman.com/article137.htm