Sun June 15, 2003 (4:00am)
I was 33. He was 63. He never lived to see his firstborn (of 5+2 from a prior relationship) have her first born (I was the 'late bloomer').
What Joy I wish I could have shared with this man who planted the seed that gave me Life!
I was one of so many who never really knew what it was like to have a 'Real Dad'. Just as he was never given that gift, himself.
On Valentine's Day of '96, the 'father' of my son's father died at the tender age of 49 of a brain tumour. His son saw one lonely tear slide down his Dad's cheek, before he died after too many lifetimes of continued abuse (including tobacco, alcohol...) My Miracle of a son was brought into this World nearly 2 months later... (for each death, there is new life!)
My Grandfather, on my Dad's side, committed suicide (isn't it all sadly the same...) after he'd finally met me and my next 2 younger siblings. A welcoming respite after the life of abuse he had and left as a legacy to his own troubled son.
My Grandfather on my Mom's side died (when I was a young child) of a 'heart attack' (you know the reason...) after a quadruple bypass (he should have simply made a single detour...) and a lifetime fraught with abuse that he allowed himself to pass on to his own beloved family.
I know there are good Fathers out there. I've realized you can learn to Mother and/or Father yourself, because I have found the strength to go inside and discover the Truth. I have passed through all the pain (not under and never over...) to welcome the undisputable pleasure.
I haven't felt a loss in my Life for the longest (and most luxurious...) while of not having 'a Dad'. I've nursed my wounds and filled in the missing gaps. Now, I'm a brave, new woman, raising a loving and well adjusted son. One day 'my little boy' will make a Great Daddy!
Periodically, through the years an 'unknowing few' (nice term for 'the ignorant many') would dare to trespass into unknown terrain. "Oh, it's too bad Kaelin doesn't have a Dad." (Egad! Single Mom and all, especially), the assuming ones would (seemingly concerned) assert; As they projected all their Worldly fears upon one happy 'sub-nuclear family'
I've made my choices. As have my own Father and Kaelin's Dad and their Fathers and Forefathers before them... The pendulum has swung full circle and this proud Momma who is both father and Mommy in so many marvellous ways hasn't (and never will...) given up Hope.
If there's a Santa Claus (Kaelin told me there is) there's a Daddy out there - for both of us!
- Katherine A. Marion